Peace in the midst of my dirt
I remember being lost. I remember feeling emptiness
inside. I remember the lack of God in my life. I used to date (and I use that
term loosely) a drug dealer. I remember walking into his house and immediately
feeling the presence of evil. It was hard for me to identify then. But now I
realize it was the lack of the Holy Spirit. For as long as I can remember, I
have always felt the enormous presence of God. I have lived alone for almost 10
years. I have never been scared (well, you know- I have had a few episodes
after watching a movie or something like that). But I’ve literally had people
tell me that they don’t see how I can live alone. Grown men have told me that.
And they were strictly talking about the fear aspect. Not so much about the
lonely aspect. But anyways, I have always felt God in me and with me. The
closest thing I can compare it to is a puppy that moves each and every time you
even LOOK like you’re about to move. It follows you everywhere- into the
kitchen, the bathroom, the window, the door. You can’t get rid of him. That’s
how I’ve ALWAYS felt about the presence of God in my life. So when I was in
those situations that God wasn’t in- I felt his absence. I remember being out
there. I remember the first time I saw someone do a line of cocaine. I remember
rolling with alcoholics. I remember being around people who asked the guy I was
with if he had any needles. I remember seeing a prostitute walk up and down the
street in literally a white t-shirt that she made into a dress, and some heels.
I remember the first time I saw a gun. Man I used to hang with some BUMS lol. I
remember seeing someone cook crack for the first time. I remember being around
people who went on coke binges for days straight. Hit the club on Friday night
and be toasted until Sunday morning. I’m talking about an after party that
lasted from after the club on Friday, THROUGH SaturDAY, and then back to the
club on Saturday night. I remember being made fun of because I had a regular
job. I remember being cheated on. Humiliated. Embarrassed. I remember people
purposely trying to break me down. Break my spirit. Take my pride. Take my
comfort and my peace. So many people didn’t understand my peace. I mean, I
really didn’t either. Now that I can see things more clearly in the spiritual
realm, I realize that all of that was a plot by the enemy to destroy me. The
enemy’s mission is to destroy. The God in me would not allow that to happen. I
thought I had it all figured out. Lol. What an idiot. I see so many people
trying to school other people, as if they’ve arrived. Neglecting to give God
glory for what they have. Whether it be material (which means nothing) or
otherwise. They are so lost and don’t even realize it. I say that in terms of
identifying myself in the same way. That’s why I can give God credit for
everything. Because I know I am a hot mess. And God still blesses me. Still loves
me. Still forgives me. I think others’ perception of me is so far off from what
I really am. I’m not a diva. I’m a dirty bird. I’m a wretch (in 2012 terms- I’m
a rat). Yes, I am. I’ve sought self worth and peace in all of the places that
everyone does. Men, money, clothes, image…then I tweaked it and tried to make
it about my career, my education, my life experiences. Those don’t mean
anything either. If God can send Jesus- through a virgin and a carpenter,
surely your prestige means nothing to him. Please excuse the tears that roll
down my face when I think about the fact that I should be dead. Or even worse-
I should be dying. A painful death. I should have had to put my parents through
the process of burying me. I should have had to explain to my niece that I
didn’t have much longer to be with her. But God saved me from all of that. He
covered me through it all. Yes I am thankful for his presence. Yes I cringe at
the thought of being in those places where his presence cannot be felt. My
heart hurts for those who are still there. For those who are looking in every
place but the right place for the peace they need so desperately.
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